Sunbeams and Dragonflies

Week One: Success!

2012-01-15T23:46:00.001-06:00

As you can see from my ticker I weighed in today 2.4 pounds less than I did last Sunday. While not as dramatic as I typically see my first week in, considering all of my missed meals and all of the liquid calories I consumed I'm not going to complain.

I have no idea what this week will bring but I have my lunch packed for tomorrow and I'm going to try really hard to reduce the number of missed meals and liquid calories I'm taking in. I'm also going to work on getting into bed earlier and getting more sleep, I know that will help too.

Still waiting to hear on the job front, extra prayers would be appreciated. We've been waiting so long, I really hope something comes through soon!

Mayberry 2.0

2012-01-15T01:49:00.001-06:00

So tomorrow (or rather, later on today) is weigh in day. I’m assuming that I’ll have dropped a couple of pounds this week- probably not the five or more I typically would, my stress level has been too high and my eating too sporadic. Still, I’ll take whatever is there and try and do better next week.

Our week ended with a little surprise: a company that Jeff had all but forgotten about called him and conducted a phone interview with him on Friday. He had sent in his resume to this company early last December and had already had a quick interview with a recruiter. This time it was a much more lengthy interview and it ended with the recruiter asking him to take some time and research the area and then get back with him to let him know if we were still interested in the job.

Here’s the thing: this company has been consistently rated as a top company to work for. They are globally listed, and they have been around for over a hundred years. They’re not going anywhere. That’s a big deal to us! The most attractive part of this job is that there is a LOT of upward potential for Jeff and it would be doing something that he’s very good at already. He wouldn’t have to learn new territory and worry about looking good to his new boss. Oh, and did I mention? The pay is literally twice what he was making in his last Vice President’s position. The plant even has a daycare built into the side so the workers can bring their children to work with them. Ah-mazing!

The downside is where it’s located. Which would be about an hour away from everything. Like no kidding. I Googled it, the nearest Star%ucks would be an hour and a half away! The nearest mall is about the same distance. I can’t even find an honest to God grocery store in this place! They have a butcher, they have a baker, hell, they probably have a candlestick maker but they sure don’t have any of the modern conveniences that I’ve been taking for granted.

They also don’t have any new construction or apartments. They have a ton of turn of the century houses that are begging to be flipped for cheap. Think $20K cheap. The town is trying to re-invent itself. Apparently between 1950-1990 they lost most of the manufacturing business that they had. The companies got tired of dealing with the Unions (or so I’ve gathered) and skipped town taking the jobs with them. Now the town is trying really hard to capitalize on the landscape and reinvent itself as an arts and entertainment hot-spot. From what I can tell it’s staring to work, but I think it’ll be a slow process.

We pulled up the local high schools (they have two) and found that the kids that are there look like they used to twenty years ago. It’s an almost all white area and the kids look like all American good kids. They also have three private schools in the area that we could choose from- each is cheaper than what we’re currently paying in tuition. I would feel very comfortable sending Michael to one of those schools.

This place really seems to be about twenty to thirty years (or more) behind the rest of the country in just about every aspect. I’m not sure that’s a bad thing though.

This picture was taken of the down town area at night. It’s pretty, don’t you think?

They certainly seem to decorate for the Holidays!

He sent an email back to the recruiter today telling him that he’s interested so I guess we’ll know sometime in the next couple of weeks if he got the job.
We’re praying hard that the right decision will be made obvious to us when and if the time comes.

Day Five: Crabby

2012-01-12T21:08:00.001-06:00

I think I stayed up too late goofing off with Jeff last night, cause man! I was TI-RED today! It’s silly, but lately I’ve had the will power of a teenager. I like to sleep. Really. A lot! I like my bed, I love hanging out in it even when I’m not sleepy, but for whatever reason it seems like lately I can’t seem to make myself turn off the lights.

The other problem of course is that I’m married to an insomniac that hates bedtime so it’s not like he’s going to take the bull by the horns and make us go to bed! Then, when I finally manage to get into bed we lay there talking and generally goofing off for an hour before finally going to sleep. It’s madness! My alarm clock goes off at 5:50 every morning and without fail every morning I’m swearing that if I can just make it though the day I’ll get to bed earlier that night.

I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that I’ve been in a foul mood all day- nothing in particular is the matter, it’s more just that I’m easily irritated right now. I even put my foot down and left work early today to take a nap and then couldn’t fall asleep. Lemme tell ya, few things will make me more crabby than a failed nap!

Eating was less than stellar today, I started off okay with oatmeal but when I can home for my un-nap I didn’t feel like making lunch. I cut a couple of slices of the bread I made last week, and called it done. Jeff and I had to run by the grocery store to pick up a few things tonight and decided to swing by the mall for some cheap Japanese food. I thought that I was doing okay, and in hindsight I guess it was too terribly bad. I just have to figure out a way to not keep burning almost five hundred calories a day in drinks! Sheesh!

Thursday, January 12th
Food	Calories	Balance
		1500
16 oz.coffee, 3 Tb organic sugar, 3 Tb half and half	199
1 Packet Quaker Oatmeal	160
2/3 c Organic Whole Milk	99
3 Slices Homemade Wheat Bread	387
2 TB Honey Butter	160
1/2 c Organic Whole Milk	75
Chicken Teriyaki with Steamed Veggies	523
Dr. Pepper	250

Total	1853	-353

Okay, I’m logging off right now and am setting a goal to be in bed with the lights out no later than ten! I . Will. Do. This!

Day 4: FINALLY, a Day Off!

2012-01-11T22:32:00.001-06:00

All things being equal today wasn’t too bad. I’m still doing a really horrible job of eating really good for me type foods but I’m not stressing over it. Right now I’m satisfied with staying within my caloric goals. These first few weeks are more about getting back into the habit of being aware of portion sizes and calories consumed than they are about being a perfect dieter.

Truth be told, as you can probably tell from my food choices I really haven’t been eating any differently. I’m definitely drinking more water and less Dr. Pepper (by at least half!), but I’m focusing really hard on remembering to track and plan ahead. Those are two areas that I know from personal experience are real struggles for me.

Food	Calories	Balance
		1500

2 slices Pepperidge farm whole grain rye	160
2 oz. sliced deli ham	68
1 Tb olive oil mayo	40
2 slices Sargento gouda cheese	140
1 Stoneground Organic Wrap	350
3 T Pizza Sauce	10
1/4 cup shredded Mozzarella Cheese	80
6 pcs turkey pepperoni, reduced fat	23
2 slices provolone	140
Dr. Pepper	250



Total	1261	239

I got a really late start on my day- well, I guess I should say, a really late start on the second part of my day. I was up at three with both my husband and son dealing with some storm issues, and then I had to get up at six and get Michael ready for his early morning class. He catches a ride there so it really isn’t too bad but this morning was rough after not really sleeping. I went back to sleep after he left and slept on and off until around noon. I didn’t actually get out of bed until around one! It was SOOO nice!

As nice as it was, it made for a shorter day off. I cleaned house, went grocery shopping with my husband, and then headed up to the Church to meet with my son’s Scout Master. He’s about ready to start working on his Eagle! YAY!

I’m afraid to plan on a slower work day tomorrow, but I am praying for one! I’d better get moving though, I still haven’t roasted the sweet potatoes that I bought and planned on having for lunch. Better get moving!

Day Three: Craziness!

2012-01-11T12:39:00.001-06:00

I'll tell you what, yesterday kicked my tushie! I went into work a couple of hours late to try and offset the long day Monday but then wound up being there for over ten hours anyway. That ten hours was spent racing from crisis to crisis, it was so ridiculous that not only did I not eat breakfast, I didn't think to eat the sandwich I brought for lunch until around six!

The end result was I didn't eat a full meal and was so exhausted I just came home and crashed. I only consumed about 800 calories all day, and about 200 of those were from my coffee!

I'm off today, thank God, and while I have a lot to do I plan on trying to come up with meal plans for the rest of the week. I'm still lounging around in bed right now at a quarter to one so I'd better get moving!

So no, I didn't intend to skip breakfast today, I slept through it!

Day Two: Too Busy to Eat

2012-01-10T00:05:00.001-06:00

I’m not sure if I should count today as a success or not. What I am striving for is six small meals a day and a gallon of water. What I hit today? Eh, not so much!

I left the house this morning with a couple of Kashi waffles with peanut butter on them, my coffee, a banana, and two roasted sweet potatoes that I intended to have for lunch (and the ever present water). My intention was to have the waffles for breakfast, the banana for a snack, and the sweet potatoes for lunch. I was planning on leaving work around three to come home and relax before the game tonight.

When I arrived at work I was met with crisis after crisis- it was so bad that I barely remembered to sip my coffee! I forgot about my breakfast until sometime around noon, by then I figured I’d just have the sweet potatoes. I think I managed most of them, I probably have the equivalent of a half of one left. The banana stayed in my bag, and I drank half of my 24 oz. bottle of water.

Oh. And I didn’t actually leave work until almost six. It was just that kind of day!

My husband, wonderful man that he is, prepared a football feast for dinner tonight complete with hot wings, pizza, and nacho cheese with homemade dip. Yep, I’m a lucky woman!

My coffee is like a small meal unto itself and I’m not looking to change it any time soon. I enjoy it and I’m willing to spare the calories for something that I enjoy. Having said that, my appetite is pretty tanked right now, largely because I’m exhausted. I think I only managed about four hours of sleep last night- coupled with a ten hour work day and I’m pooped!

Food	Calories	Balance
		1500
16 oz. coffee, 3 Tb organic sugar, 3 Tb half and half	199
Organic Ground Peanuts and Chocolate	120
20 oz. Dr. Pepper	250
1/2 Slice cheese pizza	118
2 roasted skinless sweet potatoes	260
1.5 Servings Nachos and cheese	519
Total	1466	34

Here’s hoping to have a little more time to eat tomorrow at work! Here’s the breakdown for the day.

Okay, so my meal choices tonight have been awful but gimme a break, it was the BCS game and we won!!!

Roll Tide y’all!!

Day One: Not so bad

2012-01-08T18:40:00.001-06:00

Well, all in all I'd have to declare today a success.

It always amazes me how much more alert and coherent I feel when I take my medicine. It's like waking up from a long groggy nap.

Jeff and I went shopping this afternoon and picked up a few things, nothing too drastic- thankfully our eating habits really aren't that bad to begin with. Just some fruits and veggies to tide us over the first part of the week.

The one area that I am struggling with is meal planning. I know from past experience that this is a key area for me, having a good idea of what I'm going to be eating goes a long way to keep calorie counting stress free. In the past I've had a collection of about a half of a dozen things that fall into each of four categories: breakfast, lunch, dinner, and snacks. I typically shoot for allowing myself a couple of snacks a day- one between breakfast and lunch, and one after dinner. Having that collection of things that I can eat allows me to just choose one thing from whatever category and go.

The thing that is hanging me up this time is that the last time I calorie counted I wasn't eating cleanly. So basically a lot of my go-to snacks and even meal items no longer fit into my eating habits. Stink! I'm basically starting from scratch.

I've basically been winging it today and overall haven't done too badly. I skipped lunch but seeing that I didn't drag myself out of bed until 11:30 and had a really late breakfast I'm not going to worry over it too much. Here's where I stand right now:

Food	Calories	Balance
		1500
1 Packet Quaker Oatmeal	160	1340
2/3 cup Organic Whole Milk	99	1241
Organic Banana	110	1131
2 slices Pepperidge farm whole grain rye	160	971
2 oz. sliced deli ham	68	903
1 Tb olive oil mayo	40	863
2 slices sargento gouda cheese	140	723

All in all I’m happy with what I see. I’m heading into dinner time with over 700 calories left and I’ve consumed a solid 24 oz. of water today. Not too shabby coming from someone who was existing on Dr. Pepper last week.

I’m thinking that tomorrow will begin with a couple of Kashi whole wheat waffles with strawberry preserves. I’m gonna go roast up some sweet potatoes- I have a feeling that lunch tomorrow may include them.

Starting Over

2012-01-07T23:40:00.001-06:00

I guess I’m about a week behind most of humanity in starting fresh with my dietary goals.

I’ll spare you what would be a long explanation into insurance fights, adult ADD, job stuff, life stuff, and other like things and just say that when our insurance switched over to private pay insurance my weight jumped about twenty pounds.

Now that January is here I can get back on my prescription and re-focus on being healthy.

Lots of people have lots of really smart things to say about diet and health. I’m not trained in anything remotely close to anything involving those two things so I’ll stick with my own personal experiences.

Here’s what I know: When I eat cleanly (no processed foods, nothing that is man made or enhanced by man) I feel better. When I shy away from eating a lot of meat I feel better still. When I drink nothing but water, and lots of it I feel even better.

So that’s what I’m going to get back to. I’m going to track calories because it helps me to keep track of where I am in my eating for the day. I plan to stick to between 1200-1500 calories a day.

I do NOT plan on incorporating working out into my life just yet. It’s not something that I’ve ever felt comfortable with. I’d like to say that I will work out X number of times a week but I think I’d just be setting myself up for failure and I don’t want to do that.

What I do want to do is say that I will begin adding exercise back in when I have lost twenty pounds. I know from past experience that I feel better twenty pounds lighter, I move more comfortably, and I have more energy. Obviously, these are all things that are conducive to having the desire to work out.

I anticipate the first two weeks to show dramatic losses- that’s how it’s been in the past. I drop a lot of weight at first and then settle into a healthy 1.5 loss average each week after that.

So here is my goal for the next 38 days:

By Valentines Day I would:

Be happy with a 10 pound weight loss.

Be thrilled with a 15 pound weight loss.

Be Ecstatic with a 20 pound weight loss.

Ready? Set? Go!

2011: Revisited

2012-01-02T21:26:00.001-06:00

1. What did you do in 2011 that you’d never done before?

I had to fight harder and dig deeper to protect my family than I ever have had to before.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I did the best I could with what I had. And yeah, I’ll always set new goals for myself.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Nope.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

No. And I will remain eternally grateful for that!

5. What countries did you visit?

London,Ontario Canada.

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?

More financial security.

7. What dates from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

April 27th- because our family came so very close to losing everything that matters in this life. Because so many did.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Well, my hair didn’t fall out. That’s kind of a biggie. Beyond that? Being seriously considered for a Director’s position at my job. This will be the first non law enforcement type job with serious responsibility that I have ever held.

9. What was your biggest failure?

I hate the word failure. I guess I’d have to say gaining those dang 20 lbs. though. Hate it!

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

I need a mountain of dental work. I actually needed to get several cavities filled when Jeff lost his job. Then after he lost his job we simply couldn’t afford it. They didn’t hurt and we didn’t have dental. Now we pay for private dental insurance but we still can’t afford it without going into debt. Of course now I need root canals. Oye!

11. What was the best thing you bought?

My phone and it’s Kindle app. BareMinerals make-up.

12. Where did most of your money go?

Car payment, loan payment, cell payment… ya know, the usual!

13. What did you get really excited about?

Each and every job interview that Jeff has had. Seriously, even interviews are something to celebrate in this market. I’m praying that one of them lead to a job this year!

14. What song will always remind you of 2011?

I hate to say it but I think I’ll have to go with Adele.

15. Compared to this time last year, are you:

– happier or sadder? HAPPIER
– thinner or fatter? Fatter
– richer or poorer? Slightly richer

16. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Working out, cooking/baking, spending time with my family and close friends, reading, travelling. Living in the moment instead of worrying about the future.

17. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Being scared of what may happen. Wasting time on things beyond my control.

18. How did you spend Christmas?

Hanging out with my family. It was a nice, mostly quiet day at home.

19. What was your favorite TV program?

I really don’t watch a lot of TV. My husband has gotten me hooked on Modern Family lately. Love that show!

20. What were your favorite books of the year?

Whatever sweet escape I happened to have in front of me at the time. I’ve really been digging the $.99 novels for Kindle at Amazon. Even if they’re bad, who cares?

21. What was your favorite music from this year?

Sounds silly, but I’m totally in love with the How to Train Your Dragon soundtrack.

22. What were your favorite films of the year?

We never go to the movies so I’m a little late in the game. I loved How to Train your Dragon and The Sorcerer's Apprentice (the re-make) from Redbox this year. And yeah, I get that they’re both kiddy movies. What you do want from me? I have three kids at home!

23. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned 36. I don’t really remember what we did. I know it was low key and spent at home with the family.

24. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

I would really, really, really have loved for my SIL to have shown her true self in court. It would make me feel so much better to have her true personality documented. Beyond that? How about a job for Jeff/

25. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?

Mostly sharable with my husband. Lots of athletic wear.

26. What kept you sane?

Spending time with my awesome husband and equally awesome son. Escaping into good and not so good books.

27. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011.

I’ve learned and re-learned that I’m not in control. That I need to let go and trust that things are happening the way that they are meant to.

Goals for 2012

2012-01-01T17:21:00.001-06:00

I could go into detail on each of these, but frankly, if you’ve been following what I’ve written in the past you’ll already understand.

A job for Jeff. He’s been phenomenal throughout his period of unemployment. He’s accomplished so much and has done such an amazing job taking care of our family from home but he deserves so much more. He deserves to feel productive again. I pray that this is his year.
Continued good health for our family. I want to make eating clean and exercising a priority going into this new year. Last year we were so crazy busy that it just wasn’t feasible. I hope that this year brings calmer waters and more time for those types of thoughtful decisions.
I want us to be debt free by the end of this year. This means no debt besides our student loans. If Jeff returns to work this should be totally possible if we’re careful.
I want to make time for my marriage and mothering more. We’re all doing okay but unless we ensure that we keep our focus on each other that may not always stay that way. I have an amazing husband and an incredible son. I want to make it a point to nurture those relationships this year and not take them for granted.
I want to refocus my career. I don’t know if I’ll get the Director’s job or not, I don’t know if we’ll wind up moving somewhere else, but I do know that I’ve enjoyed having a purpose again. Up until now I’ve strictly been employed within my chosen career field. I’m loving working for a non-profit and want to find my place in the long term. I hope and pray that there will be a way for Jeff and I to do this together.
I want my own house. I want my stuff back. I want an area that I can dedicate to building furniture and another one that is devoted to gardening. I want to be able to putter around my yard. I don’t feel that that is asking too much.
I want to once and for all crack our addiction to Wal-Mart. I want to find a way to NOT have to shop there. Crazy? Maybe, but still important to me.
I want to continue to lead my family in a positive direction. This includes my brother and my mother. I have been so worried about my mother lately. I see her willing to sacrifice the rest of her life to something that will never improve and it scares the hell out of me. She deserves to be happy and have peace. I pray that we will find a way to satisfy both of those needs.
And just for giggles, I guess I’ll say that I want to live to see another January. I’m betting the Mayan’s were wrong. Still, I think everyone will breathe a sigh of relief on December 23rd!

2011: A Year in Review

2012-01-01T17:00:00.001-06:00

January: After three long months of uncertainty my SIL came and picked up her children. Throughout the course of the month we had them all but about a week. It was also during this period that we became aware that the people that my brother and SIL were associating with were dangerous. We were terrified every time they took the children home but didn’t know what to do about it. It was a blessing to us when we discovered that an investigator from DHR had visited my niece at school. We were able to get into contact with that investigator and as a result, when the children were removed from their home they were allowed to come and stay with us. My brother and SIL were at first grateful for our help but eventually, my SIL came to blame us for the loss of her children. We had a snowstorm that kept everybody home and we thus decided to take that time to build bunk beds for the kids. I can’t thank my neighbor enough for helping us!! The beds are so sturdy and have been great for the kids.
February: We attended our first meeting at DHR with the case worker and my brother and SIL, it was a truly awful meeting. DHR made it clear to them what needed to happen before they could get their kids back. We left feeling very disheartened. I discovered in horror that my hair had begun to fall out. Around the same time Jeff’s blood pressure skyrocketed and he began taking blood pressure medicine for the first time in his life.
March: My brother called me and told me that he had finally decided to leave his abusive marriage. He ran out of gas, pushed it to the gas station put $.64 cents in the gas tank (all he had), got up the street and ran out of gas again. He was nothing if not determined. We made the decision then to offer whatever help we could give him as long as he stayed away from his wife. Within twenty four hours we had him at the therapists office talking to a counselor. He began immediately taking intensive outpatient drug treatment and attending NA and AA meetings. While he hasn’t been perfect, he’s stayed away from my SIL and has completed everything thing that has been asked of him.
April: My brother officially moved out of his house. It took the assistance of two sheriffs deputies and the DHR case worker as well as his sponsor and my husband but they got him out. Or rather, his stuff out. It was an awful, stressful, terrifying day (no one knew if she would become violent), but they did it. Three weeks later a series of tornados swept through our town and leveled large neighborhoods. We came within a half of a mile of losing everything. We went without power for a week and got to see first hand southern grace in action. It was so gratifying to me to go to the grocery stores, see the fear in people’s eyes, and yet not see any looting, fighting, or brawling. People were kind to one another. It was a frightening and uncertain time but it was also a good reminder of how blessed we are.
May: Jeff graduated with his Master’s degree. He missed his actual ceremony as it was canceled due to the tornados but he finished none the less. Jeff had his first series of interviews with company #1. Nothing came of it, but it was still reassuring to be called. My brother earned off site supervised visits with his children (until this time they had to visit at the DHR offices). He was so thrilled!
June: We have our second meeting at DHR, it was even worse than the first one. We also had our first court date. It was equally awful. At that point, everyone involved in the case shifted their focus on controlling my SIL. She began making awful allegations against our family, specifically my son and husband. Later on in the month Jeff, Michael and I packed up and spent a week in Canada with Jeff’s family. It was really nice! When we returned Michael spent the next two weeks (or maybe it was the first two weeks) attending High Adventure Camp and Scout Camp with the other young men his age. He had lots of fun! While we were in Canada Jeff was contacted by Company #2 for an interview.
July: Another horrible meeting with DHR. By this point Jeff and I had decided to remove ourselves from the case. We notified my mother that we were no longer willing to care for the children (the original agreement was to last for ninety days) and the case was moved out of the area in DHR where these cases are typically housed and into the Drug Court. The idea was that in Drug Court they would more easily be able to manage my SIL and her family. My mother stepped in (against our recommendation) and asked that the care of the children be transferred to her. Jeff, Michael and I all headed back up to Canada for Jeff’s grandmother’s funeral- an event that just happened to coincide with his parents moving back to the states. While the guys were at the funeral, I stayed behind with Jeff’s mother and dealt with the movers. It was an exhausting week! The day that we got back Jeff was contacted by Company #3- he wound up having two phone interviews and a face to face. Unfortunately, the company decided to hold off hiring for this position. In other news, my hair quit falling out and Jeff was able to stop his blood pressure medicine. It’s amazing what stress will do!
August: While at Scout camp Michael earned the Top Shot Award and a place in the regional competition. We spent the night in a hotel and got a chance to watch him compete in Talladega. He didn’t place, but it was a great experience for him nonetheless. We also returned the court again and decided once and for all that it would be the last time. It was just too stressful and ugly. We took a long weekend and moved Jeff’s parents into their home in Chattanooga. Michael began seminary. My brother graduated from his outpatient treatment, the very first person to ever complete the program without having to start over. We were so proud of him! Jeff found out that Company #4 was interested in talking with him. While nothing came of it after the phone interview, we marveled at how blessed we have been that he continues to be contacted for interviews during a time when so many people are looking for work.
September: Michael started school back, this year has been much more challenging for him than the last. He’s really risen to the challenge though! All in all I think it was a pretty quiet month.
October: My boss gave notice and things began getting crazy at my work. Jeff’s parents accepted a job in Michigan and informed us that they would be moving, again. While we’ll miss having them so close by, it was the right decision for them. Jeff and I took several trips to Chattanooga to check on their mail and house while they were figuring things out in Michigan.
November: I interviewed for the Director’s position at my work. Jeff was told by the Vice President of Global Quality with the company that his father works for that there was “definitely a place in the company for him”. We’re still waiting on that, but it was reassuring nonetheless. Thanksgiving was bittersweet as my brother was able to come and have dinner with us. This was the first time in two years that he attended, three years since he was really present. Considering that I thought that we would be burying him this year, I will never stop being grateful for his continued presence in our lives. Also this month, Jeff joined the National Novel writing challenge. There is a big long acronym for it, but the bottom line is he DID IT!! He wrote a novel. Have I mentioned lately how amazing I think my husband is? Because he is. Really amazing! I am so proud of him!
December: The Executive Director at my work accepted another position back in his home state, thus ensuring that the things that were up in the air before, are even more so now. I have been functioning as the Membership Director since the beginning of last November. I should find out sometime soon if I have been selected formally for it. At this point, I’m very divided on whether I really want it. On the one hand I really do. On the other… Jeff could get hired at any moment and we could be gone. I just don’t know! My brother has also been awarded over night visits with his children. He is so thrilled to have them back one on one, even if it’s just for a little while.
So that’s this year. We are anticipating another big court date in March 2012. This one will determine if the children are allowed to go back with their parents or if the children will be permanently staying with someone else. My mother is planning on being that person should it come to it. I’m praying that she doesn’t. Regardless, this has been an exhausting, whirlwind of a year! I’m SOOOO glad it’s over!

Reviewing 2011 Goals

2012-01-01T16:11:00.001-06:00

2011 was a year to remember! I’m glad I couldn’t see going into it what it would bring because I’m pretty sure that I’d had a breakdown! Before I get into all of that, let’s see how I did on my resolutions for 2011.

For 2011 I Resolved to:

Continue on my path to good health. This year I began my clean eating journey and lost twenty pounds. That's the most I have ever successfully lost at one time. I plan to continue that success.

Well… I would grade myself a solid C in this. On the one hand I have learned SO MUCH MORE than knew going into this last year, and as a result we are able to make much better and more informed choices. On the other hand, our insurance changed and I had to come off the medicine that I take to help me organize my thoughts. All of the stuff that I had learned to do, meal planning, planning out our day and what we need to prepare the night before, organizing my time to allow for a walk in the evenings with my son all went out the window. I have done the best that I could given what I had to work with and I’m proud to say that none of the important stuff in my life has suffered. Well, nothing except that twenty pounds that I had lost. I gained that back. But now we’re in January and I can get my prescription filled. YAY!

I resolve to donate $5.00 worth of coupon bought food to the food bank each month. I can buy a LOT of food for $5.00, I'd like to challenge myself to see how much I can get for the money. There are so many that are hungry right now, I want to help others as I have been blessed this past year.

Um… yeah. Didn’t do this one at all. FAIL!

I resolve to participate in another 5K race this year with my family. This was an accomplished goal for me in 2010. We had a blast and I'd love to repeat it.

Another FAIL! I really really wanted to but it just didn’t happen. Partly because this whole year has been spent on moving from crisis to crisis and partly because we thought that we could be moving at any time.

I resolve to be smarter with how we budget and spend our money.

DONE! We are much more organized and budget conscious than we ever have been before. I’m praying that this will be the year that Jeff goes back to work. We have a plan worked out that should allow us to be totally debt free within five years (including the house we owe in student loan payments) with that second income. Please God, let this be the year!

I resolve to try to be a better, more patient, more flexible, and more understanding person.

Again, I think I deserve a C on this. In many many ways I have succeeded in this. I think it’s fair to say that I accomplished this goal in the areas that it matters most. What has also happened though is I’ve become less tolerant of people who try and abuse that kind of grace. Laziness, apathy, dishonesty, and manipulativeness have all become hot button issues for me. I want to learn to handle those types of people with more grace this year.

I resolve to try and appreciate the things and blessings that I have more. I want to focus on what I HAVE, not on what I WANT.

DONE! I am proud to say that I have firmly moved away from commercialism. I am proud to call myself thrifty and frugal. I truly find value in the things that matter the most: Family, friendships, happiness.

Buy flowers at least once a month. For myself, or for someone else.

I didn’t do this one. Largely because we just couldn’t spare the money for it. But I still think it’s a good idea.

Stand up straight. Seriously.

I’m better about this than I ever have been. I think this one will remain a work in progress for me for a long time.

Have a functional garden- or at least an herb one.

Success! We grew several different types of tomatoes, peppers, cucumbers, and attempted corn. I also got some sweet basil out of it too. The rabbits and squirrels were ridiculous and we lost more than we grew but we still did it. I loved every minute of it!

Learn more about addiction.

Done. It’s awful. I really pray that you never have to experience this in your family. There just aren’t words that can describe how devastating this is to a family.

Honestly, I wish I could have done more with my goals. I’m not going to sweat it though, this year was CRAZY! I did the best I could and that’s enough for me.

A quick update

2011-11-28T21:24:00.001-06:00

I just wanted to pop in, more for my own memory than for any other reason. This Christmas is shaping up to be the holiday that wasn’t. It’s turning into that more because we just can’t seem to overcome the apathy that comes with waiting and not knowing for extended periods of time than it is for anything else.

Jeff is still waiting to hear on the job with that company I mentioned before. Yes, I still believe that they intend on hiring him, no, I have no idea when. After all, it’s only critical for us. The lovely people in HR already have a job, right?

One possibility is in the Denver area. I’m not sure how I feel about that. I hate Denver. Well, Colorado actually. I have no idea why: it’s gorgeous, the area is safe, the job market is favorable for Jeff’s career… I don’t know what it is. I’ve just always had an intense dislike for Colorado.

Still. We’d weep tears of relief should he be offered a position there. We’re really hoping to hear something sooner than later!

I’m still being formally considered for the Director’s position at the Non-Profit I work for. I should hear something by the first of the year on that. I honestly don’t believe that I’ll be selected, I think the Executive Director already has someone in mind but whatev. At this point I kind of feel like we’re all along for the ride.

So there ya go. Nothing has really changed.

More Waiting

2011-11-03T23:10:00.001-05:00

I wish I had more to say other than that we’re still waiting.

The power play turned out to be nothing to worry about, turns out it was less an issue of power and more of just plain old miscommunication.

Except now it seems that that lack of communication is continuing. My father in law spoke with the company head that is chomping at the bit to hire him. As part of the conversation he was asked to put together a list of “wants” in terms of compensation. He did, and the company guys felt that it was all very reasonable. They told him to send it to HR and that HR would draw up an employment contract/offer based on what he had said that he wanted.

Except no one let HR in on it and they sent his list back to him cut in half as part of their offer. Apparently they don’t understand that this isn’t a negotiation. *grin* SO! My FIL told them as much and has placed a call back to his contact with the company.

So now we wait some more. I don’t think that there is any chance that this isn’t going to work out. I mean, the guys that are giving the nod for this are responsible for running the whole flippin’ company. But still, we wait. Some more. *sigh*

Jeff’s job is still up in the air as well. We haven’t heard anything more about it since we were told that “there is definitely a place for him with the company” and that this same person had forwarded his resume on to the President for his review.

Honestly I’m afraid to think about it too much. I’ll believe that a job exists when we have an offer in hand. Until then, it’s just a really promising lead. Ya know?

I think that they’re waiting to do anything with us until they have my FIL squared away- not to mention the person that is driving all of this has been in Germany since last Friday. We need for him to get back into town before we’ll know more.

I know that I need to learn patience but dang! This is a bit much!

Not to mention we’re screaming toward the holidays!

Still, I’m grateful for hope. It remains a precious gift to us right now.

Learning Patience One Day At a Time

2011-10-29T16:15:00.001-05:00

Sometimes I think that the worst part of this whole process is waiting on other people to make decisions that will directly impact our lives.

And friends, I am SO TIRED of the waiting!

We still haven’t heard anything back yet on the potential job I mentioned earlier. It now seems that there is some sort of power play being made in the higher up part of the company. That power play will have to resolve itself before we can find anything out. The contact that we have (second in command company wide) is overseas right now working through some of this mess. How long that will take is anyone’s guess.

I know that most often there are lots of things at play that we may not be privy to at the time. Most of the time when something is happening that I don’t understand I can look back on it some time later and get it. Like A had to happen or B wouldn’t have worked out, which eventually led to M resolving itself the way I was wanting or not wanting it to. I get that my perspective is really narrow and that I need to work on letting go and just trusting that things are happening the way that they are meant.

But it is so hard. Faith isn’t easy- I guess if it were it wouldn’t be important.

This has been a particularly stressful week- hope for change in our employment status, living arrangements, changes in our finances, my job, my son’s education, his activities, I could go on and on. But I won’t.

I went to a funeral this week. It was in honor of my best friend’s husband’s great Aunt. She raised Shawn and when he and Amanda got married they just kept on like they always had been under the same roof.

I sat there listening to the beautiful tribute that Amanda had put together for her and I was reminded once again of how incredibly lucky I am.

I was graced with a partner and best friend that asked me to marry him. He supports me through everything, even my crazy ass family. He loves our son unconditionally and gets up every day trying to become a better father than he was the day before.

I have a fantastic son- one that many parents would kill to have. His biggest problem is that his brain can’t keep up with his common sense yet, but I’m sure that’ll come. When I was pregnant I prayed not just for health for him, but also that he be blessed with a strong intellect. I know it was crazy and selfish but I would just pray “please God, don’t let me have a stupid child”. Physical imperfections I think I would’ve dealt with. Mental? That idea terrified me.

Be careful what you wish for!

I have my health. I’ve been struggling lately as I have had to stop taking my ADD medicine. I never really thought that it did a lot for me but I’ve seen my weight creep up by about twenty pounds in the last two months. Ok, so maybe creep isn’t the best choice of wording. Contrary to what most people probably believe, it isn’t the appetite suppressant quality that I miss. Honestly, I’ve always kept my appetite. It’s the focus that came with it that allowed me to plan out my meals, my workout schedule, shoot, my life! Lacking that focus means that I’m always reactionary in my eating. Not good. I’ve got to overcome this somehow. But still, when so many others are dealing with significant health issues, I’ve really got no problems to complain about.

I have my family. Broken though some may be, they’re still all I have in this world that matters- and that’s no small thing.

Everywhere I turn I can see the evidence of grace in my life. Everywhere I turn I can see blessings.

In the grand scheme of things it helps me to be patient for just a little longer.

In Between Breaths

2011-10-25T20:31:00.001-05:00

Right now our family is existing in the place that exists between breaths. That hovering, almost place wherein nothing really happens and yet everything is decided. You know that place, right?

Last week Jeff received word that a very important, high ranking person within a very large company was interested in seeing his resume. The direction we received was to send in his resume with a “letter”- a letter than tells “what he wants to do and where he wants to do it.”

Sound a little too good to be true? We thought so too and yet the request was verified by someone actually in the room with the person making the request. So there it is.

The person that requested it will see that it is waiting for them in their inbox tomorrow morning when they arrive at work. Your guess is as good as ours as to where this will take us from here. The problem with this company is that they are so large (think 150,000+ employees worldwide) and so sprawled out (Africa, anyone?) and so diversified that asking for a what and where is a bit like searching for the proverbial needle in a haystack. You’re basically left with “um, I’d really love a job… somewhere… we’d be happy with just about anything that pays more than minimum wage (unemployment compensation) and anywhere but places that American’s are likely to be targeted.

You want to ask for the moon but not overreach. You’re no kidding, willing to take

AN Y T H I N G but you don’t want to sell yourself short. The word on the street is that we could reasonably anticipate Jeff making literally double his last salary when he was a VP of Operations.

In the mean time, Jeff has received an email from a company that he previously interviewed with asking him for an updated resume and yet another company called him today to set up a second interview for tomorrow.

When it rains, it pours. Only this time, in a good way!

On top of all of that my boss gave her notice yesterday and now all eyes are on me to take over the her position (Director). The problem is of course that I don’t want to indicate my interest in that position if Jeff is about to be hired and we're about to move somewhere else.

We are really thinking that we should have a better idea of what the first company intends to do by the end of this week. We imagine that it will involve a formal interview (though it sounds like they’ve already made up their mind to hire him *maybe*), and we’re hoping that if that’s the case they’ll at least let us in on where they might want to send us.

So until then, here we sit. In between breaths. Just waiting.

I’m ready to exhale.

Tender Mercies

2011-10-19T22:44:00.001-05:00

I can honestly say that despite dealing with the long term effects of being a caregiver to my father, it has taken me until now to truly understand what is meant by the phrase Tender Mercies.

We are coming up on one full year with my niece and nephew- I never would have believed at the time that we would have them for so long. When I picked them up that cold November afternoon I really thought that we'd have them for a week. Maybe two. But a year? Never!

This past year has been one of the most difficult, gut wrenching, and harrowing in my life. Having my wonderful husband by my side has brought equal measures of gratitude and guilt. You know that scene in the movie My Big Fat Greek Wedding where she is standing in the church watching her fiancé get baptized and she turns to her brother and tells him that she is afraid that at any moment her fiancé is going to turn to her and tell her that she is SO not worth it? I can’t tell you how many times I’ve felt like that over this past year!

It’s not that I doubt my own self worth or that I don’t believe that my husband loves me. I know he does. It’s more that the type of stuff that we’ve had to deal with would shake most other men. How many husbands out there would be able to deal with fighting unemployment, their last year of graduate school, the responsibility of homeschooling a teenage boy, AND face relentless attacks to their character and future professional life by their sister in law? Oh, and did I mention? Do it all from a small bedroom in their mother in laws house. Jeff is amazing. He gets up every morning and picks our son up from seminary so I can sleep a few minutes longer before getting ready for work. He has coffee ready and always hands me lunch as I walk out the door. This morning he surprised me with breakfast in bed. I could go on and on. He doesn’t deserve what my family has put him through this past year- no one does. The last few months have been especially hard for him- and they’re taking their toll.

Recognizing those tender mercies I mentioned earlier has been a little more challenging than it usually is. Someday I’ll have to sit down and make a list of all of the blessings that we’ve seen in this last year- even if they didn’t appear to be so at the time. But not tonight.

Tonight I just want to say that we have renewed hope for a job. And THAT is a huge thing to us right now. Hope. Faith. Such small words that cover SO MUCH territory.

I’ll blog about it if it bears out. But for now, prayers and positive thoughts would be very much appreciated.